If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
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7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
figuring out my emotional availability:
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell