He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
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I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*