I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
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If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard