I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
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For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Two types of dogs.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)