Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
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My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.