Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
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I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.