When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
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Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject