It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
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Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?