ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
You Might Also Like
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*