I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
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KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.