It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
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Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
this country is so goddamn polarized
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”