Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
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Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.