Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
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[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
#polloftheday
This is not me but this is me
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Finished stitching this today 😇
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.