I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
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Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.