Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
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I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
The honesty is refreshing
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros