Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
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me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Hey i am sexy to you now
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening