THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD š
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date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, iād pick kate middleton
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okayā¦ you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Shouldā¦should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, thatās not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* youāre a terrible person.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The āOne Free Naughty Massageā coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someoneās birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kidās candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.