(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
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I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
I feel attacked.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.