A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
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They also CAN sing✌️
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
become ungovernable
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*