[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
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Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.