The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
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What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life