13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
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Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”