If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
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A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
The three genders
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping