my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
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Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
i- i did not expect this
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn