Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
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Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.