[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
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My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?