Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
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During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Great Canadian literature.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.