shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
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Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me