Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
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My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
A great tip. #CakeRex
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…