My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
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Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
181.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it