My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
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My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
We’ve come full circle
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol