“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
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Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.