What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
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Okay
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.