Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
You Might Also Like
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”