I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
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[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
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Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.