cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
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ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Wedding planning is organized crime.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.