My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
You Might Also Like
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
can’t believe I got front row seats
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
this makes me so uncomfortable
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
And bowling should be called pinball
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please