*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
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My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
when there are deer in the woods
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
monday
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.