If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
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I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?