i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
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Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Storm Tropical Storm
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.