[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
You Might Also Like
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
we’re gonna need another temp
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
finally
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.