[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
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Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Pizza is an emotion right?
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.