ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
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[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh