Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
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Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.