“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
You Might Also Like
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Bed should get ready for ME
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.