My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
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A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Start the year as you intend to continue.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.