I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
You Might Also Like
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”