Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
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Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
CUTE CAT‼︎
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
This one’s “Alex”.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.