[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
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Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person