Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
You Might Also Like
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*